SYSTEM SURVIVORS
Letter to Government Officials
Advocating for Domestic Violence System Reform
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to you as a mother, daughter, granddaughter, and friend—but most urgently, as an exhausted woman who has run out of options. I am a survivor. Through no choice of my own, my children and I have become victims: victims of family harm, domestic violence, intimate partner violence—call it what you will. But now we are also victims of something else entirely—a fractured, outdated system that has failed us at every turn.
Six years. One protection order. Six years of reporting incidents to a revolving door of agencies: District Court, Family Court, the Ministry of Justice, Department of Corrections, Probation, New Zealand Police, Oranga Tamariki, ACC. The list goes on. But the longest list of all is the one I carry with me every day—the incidents themselves. Over 2,000 days of physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, technology-facilitated abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, intimidation, and threats.
And still, I am reporting.
System Abuse: The Hidden Weapon
But there is another form of abuse that no agency seems to acknowledge: system abuse. My offender is an educated man who understands his rights, human rights laws, privacy laws, and—most dangerously—how to weaponize every system meant to protect us. He has turned the Family Court, in particular, into his most effective tool of ongoing abuse.
Why? Because he can. Because our system allows it. This is about power and control, and he has learned exactly how to maintain both without consequence.
He knows which offenses will attract police attention and which can be safely ignored. He knows what charges will actually result in a breach, what sentences different offenses carry, and which behaviors are "serious enough" for government resources to be spent on investigating and prosecuting. He understands what evidence can and cannot be proven in court, how long court processes drag on, and how to remain undetected in his online abuse. He has studied the gaps in our system like a manual and exploits every single one.
The Family Court has become his playground. He files motion after motion, appeal after appeal—not because he wants a relationship with his children, but because each filing means another summons for us, another hearing, another moment where he can exert control. He uses legal processes as harassment, knowing that I must respond, must appear, must relive the trauma again and again. The system calls this "access to justice."
I call it what it is: outdated, abusive, taxpayer-funded bullshit that needs to stop.
The Financial Cost of Failure
I have over 1,200 pages of police reports. Two filing boxes full of letters and Family Court affidavits. That doesn't include the countless hours of emails, phone calls, and meetings. We are currently run by a government focused on tightening its belt, so let me give you some baseline figures. Bear in mind, these are conservative estimates—the actual costs are much higher.
Legal Aid - Criminal Lawyers: He's had more than half a dozen lawyers at $150 to $480 per hour. 2.5 years in District Court. Over a dozen charges, cumulatively sorted because he continued to offend while on bail.
Police Involvement: At least 200 hours of police time across multiple officers, plus prosecution time, documentation, and court-related work. At a conservative $40 per hour, that's $8,000 in police time alone.
Court Costs: Court victim advisors, security, report writers, judge time, JP time, administrative staff. Easily hundreds of hours across District Court, Family Court, and Court of Appeal.
Supervised Agency Visits: 20 supervised visits so he can have "safe contact" with our children. At $475 each, that's $9,500.
Legal Aid - Family Court: Fully aided for both criminal and family lawyers. $150 to $480 per hour for hundreds of hours of meetings, paperwork, emails, personal assistants, prison meetings. At least 100 hours for myself, double that for him. Estimated spend: $75,000+
Prison Time: Over a year incarcerated. The current average cost per prisoner (updated 2024): $150,000 to $160,000 per year.
Probation: 18 months under Department of Corrections supervision. According to their 2024-2025 reporting, that's $21.13 per day. Total estimated cost: $11,500.
Family Violence Courses: Four court-ordered programs at $30 per session, once a week for 16 weeks each, paid to various NGOs. That's 16 × $30 × 4 courses = $1,920. With no change in his behavior whatsoever.
Government Benefit: Prior to jail, likely on a Job Seeker benefit with an exemption from work due to bail conditions. Over 2 years, for a single male at $365.32 net per week (according to WINZ), that's $365.32 × 104 weeks = $38,000.
Conservative Total: Over $300,000 of taxpayer money spent—and counting.
Why am I highlighting these costs? Because our current government is all about cost-cutting, so maybe someone will finally listen to sense. Because I certainly feel it's not about "safety first" or "victims first," and I'm about to tell you why. After 6 years of holding my silence, 6 years of going through these revolving doors, my grace and privacy must be somewhat put aside—because we must do better, Aotearoa.
What Led Me Here: The Reality of "Protection"
I will tell you what led me down this rabbit hole of anger, frustration, and the absolute need to push back.
My only protection is "the system," but the system is enabling him to continue perpetuating abuse.
Last year he was released from jail. Most of the charges were for breaching the protection order—multiple times, multiple offenses stretching over years. Court dates were repeatedly delayed because he kept reoffending while on bail.
I did not lack support. I have a fantastic family harm social worker. Local police know and recognize his behavior. The court judges "get it." But somehow, it hasn't stopped. Strict bail conditions—including no access to any internet-capable devices—restricted access to his children via supervision, prison time... yet we are still here, trapped in his cycle of abuse, with no control over his behavior.
When he was released from prison last year and chose to move 300+ kilometers away south, I thought that would provide an extra layer of protection. That perhaps he chose that distance to stop himself. I should have known better, given his lack of insight into his behavior and his admitted lack of remorse in his pre-sentencing report.
Despite very strict post-release conditions administered by Probation, he recently applied for a variation to be able to travel within my district. No one advised me of this. Because apparently he's entitled to privacy—some kind of human rights quote was emailed to me.
You know what he did with that allocation of time?
He placed extremely threatening material in my letterbox, in a very disguised and insidious manner. Hidden to a point where I couldn't detect when or where, despite security cameras, changed locks on every door, window security, new gates we've built, a safe room, safety plan, panic alarm, safety Apple Watch, and safety pendants for the children. Now I'm looking into getting a giant guard dog. Because I'm scared... again. We are scared. My friends and family fear I'll be attacked. Killed, even.
In the still hours after incidents like this, I feel cornered, trapped, unsafe, anxious, targeted. I had better safety when I was with him—even when we weren't together but I was trying to co-parent. Because at least then I knew relatively where he was, what he might be up to. At least I could try to assess his mood. There was a level of predictability. Now I'm a sitting duck for his continuing abuse.
I haven't slept well. It takes weeks after an incident for me to get back into a cycle of at least four hours of sleep. The children know, without knowing. I don't trash-talk him—they are informed of the bare minimum to keep their minds and wellbeing as safe as possible. But they know Tired Mum. Mum who leaves the room for calls. Mum who's at Nan's more often. Mum who's extra vigilant. They pick up on my mood, the increased anxiety, and it flows onto them. The insidious nature of his offending is like a parasite taking over our lives.
I now lie awake at night, scared, wondering what will be next. Will he enter our home in the middle of the night like he once did, refusing to leave? Will he turn up when I'm at the park with the children? Will he message me from a fake social media account, or message my friends like he has before? Will an item arrive on my doorstep to tell me he's in control, that he's been here? Will he be sitting somewhere watching me, following me like he has? So many incidents. So many triggers. A continual feeling of looking over my shoulder.
Should I delete my one remaining social media account? What if he's correct—what if I am responsible for my own safety, like he said in court last year? "You don't have to read his messages."
I could move. But he will find me. He always does. Plus, he is a legal guardian of our children. He has rights. I'm responsible for keeping him updated on their lives.
What's next?
Police know it was him recently. However, the item delivered "doesn't meet the threshold for analysis" or "the burden of proof for prosecution." So here we are again. Back in his cycle. Waiting. Updating my will. Trying to keep some sort of routine and normalcy for the children. Determined, but without choice, to remain trapped in his cycle of abuse.
What Must Change: Three Essential Reforms
So what am I asking for? What needs to change?
After six years, over $300,000 in taxpayer money, 1,200 pages of reports, and countless sleepless nights, I'm demanding three fundamental changes to protect victims and stop enabling abusers:
1. Privacy Laws Must Prioritize Victim Safety Over Offender Rights
When a recidivist offender—someone who has repeatedly breached protection orders and demonstrated a pattern of escalating harm—applies to vary their conditions, victims must be notified.
I should not have to find out my offender has been granted permission to travel into my district after threatening material appears in my letterbox. His "right to privacy" should not outweigh my children's right to safety. Our right to prepare, to protect ourselves, to make informed decisions about our own security.
The current system treats each breach as an isolated incident. It does not account for patterns of behavior, for the cumulative terror of years of stalking and abuse. Recidivist offenders have proven they will reoffend. Victims of repeat offenders must be kept informed of their movements, applications, and any changes to their conditions. This is not negotiable.
2. The Family Court Must Stop Being a Tool for Ongoing Abuse
The Family Court operates as though domestic violence is something that happened in the past, rather than something that continues through its very processes. My offender uses the Family Court to maintain power and control—filing motions not because he wants a relationship with his children, but because each filing forces me back into his orbit.
New Zealand must adopt the reforms that the UK has already implemented to recognize and prevent domestic abuse within Family Court proceedings. The UK's Domestic Abuse Act 2021 includes:
Prohibition of direct cross-examination by abusive ex-partners in family proceedings
Recognition of coercive control and "system abuse"
Requirement that courts consider patterns of abusive behavior, not just isolated incidents
Protective measures that prevent the family court from becoming a venue for continued harassment
The Family Court should not be "pro-parent" when one parent is an abuser. It must be pro-safety, pro-child wellbeing, and pro-protection of victims. A legal guardian who has spent a year in prison for repeatedly breaching protection orders has demonstrated he cannot safely parent. His "rights" should not supersede our right to live free from fear.
3. Integrated Case Management for Recidivist Offenders
Currently, information sits in silos: Police have their records, Probation has theirs, Family Court operates independently, and victims are left in the dark. There must be integrated case management for recidivist domestic violence offenders that:
Tracks patterns of behavior across all systems
Ensures all agencies are aware of the full history
Flags applications and variations automatically to victims
Recognizes "system abuse" as a form of ongoing domestic violence
Prevents offenders from weaponizing privacy laws and court processes
These changes would save money, save resources, and most importantly, save lives.
From Victim to Advocate: Because I'm Not Alone
Now I'm a seasoned victim. I'd prefer to be a survivor moving on in our safe journey, but I'm not fortunate enough to be granted that pleasure. So now I'm here, a seasoned victim turned advocate, because how many others are out there like me?
You wonder why women stay? Why they go back? Why they enter into similar relationships? And yes, men experience this too—though the statistics show women face disproportionately higher rates of serious violence and death from intimate partners. Because we allow it. They're worn down by a system instead of lifted out of it into safety. The system that's supposed to protect us becomes another form of abuse—death by a thousand court dates, a thousand reports that go nowhere, a thousand privacy laws that shield abusers while exposing victims.
I refuse to be silent anymore. Not for myself, and not for the countless others trapped in this same cycle.
My Final Question
How many more reports do I need to file? How many more thousands of dollars need to be spent? How many more sleepless nights must my children and I endure before someone says "enough"?
I am asking—no, I am demanding—that our government put victim safety first. That they recognize domestic violence doesn't end when the relationship does. That they understand abusers will use every tool available to them, including our own legal system, to maintain control.
We must do better, Aotearoa. Our lives depend on it.
Yours in determination and hope for change,
Emma Richardson
(Pseudonym used to protect the safety and privacy of myself and my children)
Mother. Survivor. New Zealander demanding change.
Contact: Emma.richardson@yahoo.com
Date: [Insert Date]