Turning Frustration into Determination
You Are Not Alone
The Broken System Diaries ~ Emma Richardson ~
I want to talk to you today — not as an advocate, not as someone with answers — but as someone who has been exactly where you might be right now.
For a long time, I believed that leaving would be the hardest part. That once I was out, once I had put firm boundaries in place, I would finally be safe. Life would move forward. The chapter would close.
I was so very wrong.
Never, despite everything I had already lived through, could I have imagined that it would still be continuing now. That leaving wouldn't be the end, but simply the beginning of a very different kind of battle.
Something I want you to understand — because nobody warned me — is that the abuse is not always the hardest part. It shapes you, it marks you, but it is one chapter in a much longer story. The layers that follow are their own kind of weight: navigating systems that were not built for you, the grief, the ongoing coercive control that does not stop just because you left, rebuilding who you are from the ground up, parenting through it all. Nobody tells you about those layers. Nobody prepares you for them. And yet here you are, carrying them.
The Space He Took Up
In the beginning, my mood was so low that I would sit inside those feelings for days. Sometimes weeks. Feeling lost. Alone. Scared. Broken.
My abuser took up so much space in my mind. An enormous, suffocating amount of space. And in that fog, I found myself questioning whether the abuse had really been that bad. I could hear his voice — frequently, clearly — saying the things he had always said:
"You need help."
"Always making yourself out to be the victim."
"What about my feelings?"
"If you had just..."
If you recognise those words — or words like them — please hear this: that voice is not the truth. It is the residue of abuse. It is designed to make you doubt yourself. And it can take a long time, and a lot of support, to quieten it.
Finding My Way Through
Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. Their own way of navigating the feelings when it gets rough. I won't tell you there is one right way, because there isn't.
What I can tell you is what helped me.
I have been genuinely fortunate to have an incredible family harm social worker walk alongside me. It took time — real time — for trust to build between us. I had to slowly allow her in. But that relationship has been, without exaggeration, life-changing.
I have also had a small, precious handful of friends who have stood beside me when I needed to offload. People who showed up.
And I needed all of it — because the weight of everything is immense. The district court. The police. The family court. Caring for children while barely being able to care for yourself. It takes a toll that is hard to put into words.
What I Want You to Know
Each and every journey through this is different. Yours will not look exactly like mine. The timeline, the challenges, the grief — all of it will be uniquely yours.
But here is something I believe with everything in me:
You should not have to carry this alone.
In the beginning especially, try to find someone professional who can support you — someone who can walk alongside you as you navigate everything. If you are involved in the court system, advocates and support workers can often help connect you with appropriate social workers or counsellors. If you're not sure where to start, your GP is a good first step.
Friends and whānau are precious. Please don't misunderstand me — the people who love you matter enormously. But having a separate person to talk to confidentially, someone with experience in this space who can also connect you to the right organisations and resources — that is something different. Something that has the potential to change everything.
It did for me.
Reclaiming Your Headspace
One of the most valuable things you can do as you walk this journey is to build yourself a toolbox. Not a physical one — but a personal collection of strategies, anchors, and practices that help you recognise and manage the anxiety, fear, and difficult feelings that will arise along the way. Because they will arise. And when they do, having something to reach for — something you already know works for you — makes an enormous difference. Your toolbox will look different from mine, and that is exactly as it should be. But start building it. Add to it as you learn what helps. Protect it.
One of the most important things I have learnt is to find ways to stop my abuser from taking up so much space in my mind. And I want to be honest — some of what has helped me sounds almost mundane.
Cleaning. Seriously. Some good music, the vacuum cleaner, cleaning the windows. It sounds simple, but there is something in it: I do not have control over his behavior or his responses. I never will. But I do have control over how I manage mine. And doing something — anything — that belongs entirely to me, that I can start and finish on my own terms, can cut through the noise.
If you are feeling really anxious and overwhelmed, try holding something cold from your freezer, or gripping a piece of ice. It sounds strange, but it is a grounding technique that helps pull you back into your body and out of the spiral. It works.
Exercise has also been significant for my mental health — but not in a punishing way. At your own pace, doing something you actually enjoy. For me, a walk through nature is often the best way to decompress and debrief with myself. Nature has a way of making the noise quieter.
And above all — put yourself first. I know that feels almost impossible, especially if you are a parent. But think of it this way: on an aero plane, when the oxygen masks drop, you are told to put your own on before your child's. Not because your child matters less. But because you cannot help them if you have no oxygen yourself. The same is true here. You cannot pour from empty.
And can I say something that I think needs to be said more often: it is okay not to be okay. Some days you will need to sit with your feelings in order to process them. That is not weakness. That is how grief and trauma work. Just try not to stay there too long. Let yourself feel it, then gently come back.
I am not a counsellor. I have no qualifications. But I know this journey, and I know how exhausting it is — a particular kind of exhaustion that is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it. Mental fatigue that goes bone deep.
So when you are triggered, when the system frustrates you, when the processes feel endless and unjust — crank up a song that makes you feel something good. Watch a movie that lifts you. Clean the kitchen. Walk into the bush. Do something that is yours, that he cannot touch.
It is also worth knowing that there are increasingly more trauma-based therapies making their way across the country. Yoga, mindfulness, and somatic therapies — which work on the emotions held in the body, not just the mind — can be genuinely transformative for survivors. If you have ACC funding, many of these can be applied for through that. Victim Support also has funding available to victims that you can apply for, including for counselling. Please do not assume these things are out of reach before you have explored what you might be entitled to.
Think also about hobbies. Is there something you used to love before everything became survival mode? Something you always wanted to try? Hobbies are not a luxury — they are a way of reconnecting with yourself, with who you are outside of all of this. Even small creative or physical outlets can give you something to look forward to, something that is entirely your own.
Have a look at what is available in your community. REAP (Rural Education Activities Program) offers community classes across the country that are often low cost, and in some cases funding can be applied for. You might be surprised what is accessible.
You are allowed to have moments — and interests, and joy — that belong only to you.
If you are in New Zealand and need support, please reach out to your GP, a local family violence service, or call the Family Violence Information Line on 0800 456 450.
You are not alone. I promise you that. Arohanui Emma
Support Services in Aotearoa New Zealand
If you are in immediate danger, call 111.
Are You Ok? — Family Violence Information Line Free, 24/7 | 0800 456 450 | areyouok.org.nz Talk about family violence and find help for yourself or others.
Women's Refuge Free crisis line, 24/7 | 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) | womensrefuge.org.nz New Zealand's largest nationwide network supporting women and children experiencing family violence, with 41 refuges across the country.
Shine Free helpline and webchat, 24/7 | 0508 744 633 | 2shine.org.nz Confidential family violence support, information and advice.
Victim Support — Manaaki Tāngata Free, 24/7 | 0800 842 846 | victimsupport.org.nz Free emotional and practical support for people affected by crime and traumatic events, including funding assistance for counselling.
Victims Information Line Free, 24/7 | 0800 650 654 | victimsinfo.govt.nz Information about your rights, the court process, and what support is available to you.
Safe to Talk — Sexual Harm Helpline Free, 24/7 | 0800 044 334 or text 4334 | safetotalk.nz Confidential support from trained counsellors for people affected by sexual harm. Available in 44 languages.
Shakti Crisis Line Free, 24/7 | 0800 742 584 (0800 SHAKTI) Multilingual support for migrant or refugee women experiencing family violence.
Need to Talk? — Free Counselling Free, 24/7 | Call or text 1737 Talk to a trained counsellor any time, for any reason.
The Backbone Collective backbone.org.nz A national collective for women who have experienced violence and abuse — amplifying survivors' voices to drive system change.
ACC — Sensitive Claims and Funding If you have experienced physical or sexual abuse, you may be entitled to ACC-funded counselling and trauma support. Talk to your GP or visit acc.co.nz to find out what you are eligible for.
Emma Richardson writes about her experience navigating New Zealand's family violence systems at The Broken System Diaries. All views are her own.